Is this the double-ended secret of Goopy Gwyneth’s bliss

Gwyneth Paltrow is married to Brad Falchuk. Chris Martin before that. Romantically connected previously to Brad Pitt (she likes Brads), Ben Affleck, Viggo Mortensen, Luke Wilson and maybe a partridge in a pear tree. This alone is a movie.

Now perhaps the secret of Gwyn’s conjugal success? For sale in her Sag Harbor Goop store — in a section not for kiddies — a vibrator.

Supposedly, since I didn’t get a try-on, this sex toy is for two. So how this works exactly I know not. I’d like to guess — but both my libido and my limbs have shrunk so I can only guess. Or estimate. Or imagine. Maybe hope? In any case, a demonstration was not offered.

This thing’s called Eva II from Dame Products. We know the first Eve did It in the Garden of Eden. What this juiced up Eva II does, who knows — but it’s sold in a discreet box. Like with a ribbon.

Price of happiness? $135. Tell them you’ll have what she’s having.

Is he rude?

With the encyclopedia of stories now published about producer Scott Rudin, I only say I never witnessed hostility. A creative somehow unreported tale buzzing around has a staffer ordering him two lunches — one to throw at his staff.

Stories suggest A-listers, like maybe Hugh Jackman — set for his “The Music Man” show — are getting chicken. Like, if they knew before the media coverage, they looked the other way. Like, now the way they’re looking is nervous about associating with a bully.

Rudin is powerful. He’s dictated which Broadway theater he wanted, then got what was already running in it evicted so as to make room for his productions. Stuff like this creates other cranky egos. Always possible IOUs have lined up against him.

Doll faces

If anyone’s still in classrooms and schools, June graduations mean gifts. Marie Claire says gifts could be a celebrity’s own self in a Barbie doll. Cyndi Lauper has one in her likeness. Her right hand’s fluffing a peasant dress. Ava DuVernay got made into a doll as part of Mattel’s powerful women collection. Even J.K. Rowling’s one. And Gigi Hadid’s Barbie is wearing Tommy Jeans. And Heidi Klum selected her own Barbie outfit. She even said it’s “important” that she wear cute undies. 

Please try to pay attention …

Novelist John Buchan, gone. Director Alfred Hitchcock, gone. Movie star Madeleine Carroll, gone. Leading man Robert Donat, gone. But their 1935 espionage and conspiracy Brit thriller “The 39 Steps” — is back. It’s Benedict Cumberbatch. Netflix. Shooting in Europe. Rejuiced as a limited series … May 10 Lifetime presents “Variety’s Power of Women, the Comedians.” Mindy Kaling, Maya Rudolph, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michaela Coel, Sofía Vergara, Kate McKinnon, Natasha Lyonne and Tina Fey celebrate Gilda Radner. The special’s timed to Variety’s May 5 Power of Women issue. All appear on the cover.

Pol position

In our recent Washington changeover, not all previous US ambassadors serving in foreign posts were replaced with politesse. State Department types threatened some with confiscating diplomatic passports if the person’s physical removal — including all personal effects — was not effected quickly. With another civilian passport being put in place, the envoy may not then fly home under diplomatic aegis.

Some ambassadors might not have been present at the moment the order came down. That meant losing protection, relinquishing armored cars, removal of security, saying farewells, packing belongings, finishing whatever work and hastily returning stateside minus VIP attention or privilege. Some call it “shattering.” I’m only reporting what I know.

Because of weather fluctuations, because of employee limitations, because of home cooking situations, the price of lettuce has soared so high that now not all people are buying it for salads. Some are taking a leaf from our easy-does-it state and they’re rolling it in thin papers and smoking it.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.

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